Clearing Out My Head

Firstly let me just say sorry I've been away but I am seriously back now guys. Alot of things have happened recently pretty much all bad shit that I just didn't know how to deal with. Other than locking myself away and deciding that I wanted to be away from the world and everything in it. My mum was in an accident a few weeks ago and well lets just say shes lucky to be here :-/ nothing like this has ever happened in my family and to to see my mum (who is a pretty strong women) in so much pain and so broken it just broke me a little too. I've been able to stay strong around all my family and friends and I've managed to go and see her everyday while shes been in  hospital along with keeping up appearances at work. 

 But in all honesty now shes at home and shes on the mend and the visiting everyday has stopped I can now reflect upon everything and come to realise that I'm not okay.

But I really want to be in a good place, I'm not the type of person to be pessimistic or depressed so I need to force myself to go back to being the person I know I am not this half arsed sad version that I am right now. At the end of the day it's my mum that got hurt here and it could of been a hell of a lot worse than it is right now. So I need to take that and push myself forward. There's no point in dwelling of what has happened I just need to move on.

Aswell as all this my Uncle passed away from cancer the week before my mums accident which has left my dad in a sorry state. My dad is a professional musician and he was taught to play guitar by my uncle and so obviously my dads pretty taken back by his passing. So I need to try and be strong for him too. I will be strong for him too but I am struggling, because hes such a softie and he's quite sensitive and feels lonely alot. So I feel like I have to be there as much as possible for him too.
Then of course there's other crap like my partner and I arguing about money every other day which is just great to add to it all I made alot of mistakes with my money in the past and now I'm literally paying the price for that.
If there's one thing I can take from all this hurt and poss is that I need to start living I don't want my life to consist of eat work sleep repeat.. This sort of life just isn't living. so if its spending more time doing this blog or my youtube channel or if its spending more time with my man. I need to focus on something different and more importantly something positive.
Anyways sorry about the downer but I just needed to get this crap out and I wanted to let you all know whats going on.
I will be positive I will succeed. 
Emer X

I'm gonna clear out my head
I'm gonna get myself straight
I know it's never too late
To make a brand new start 
I'm gonna kick down the door
I'm gonna get myself in
I'm gonna fix up the yard
And not fall back again
I'm gonna CLEAN up my earth
And build a heaven ON the ground
Not something distant or unfound
But something real to me
But something real to me 
All that I can I can be
All that I am I CAN see
All that is mine is in my hands
So to myself I call
 There's somewhere else I should be
There's someone else I CAN see
There's something more I can find
IT'S ONLY UP TO ME
 I'm gonna clean up my earth
And build a heaven ON the ground
Not something distant on a cloud
But something real to me
But something real to me
 I'm gonna clear out my head
I'm gonna get myself straight
I KNOW it's never too late
To make a brand new start
To make a brand new start
To make a brand new start
Paul weller - Brand New Start